Things I thought I needed but don’t

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This is kind of a Part 2 to my other post Things I Didn’t Know I Needed. By letting go of my preconcieved ideas, by throwing out the “checklist”, I have finally found a satisfying relationship with Mr Wayne where I feel healthy, happy and secure.

I’ve clung to my list of “must-haves” for so long that I’m not sure where a lot of them came from or why I thought they were so important. These are a few that I now know I can live without and I certainly don’t need to be happy:

Domly-Dom: Although I’ve not really had this I always thought I needed one of those very strict Dominants who micromanages his submissive. High protocal, ritualistic Dom. I know this is a rewarding relationship for some people, but I now realize that I don’t need that, in fact it would probably be unhealthy for me to have this. Quiet dominance with a relaxed and caring vibe is much healthier for me!
Economic Status: Yes, I’m a snob! I always assumed I couldn’t be happy with someone unless they were wealthy. Yes, this makes me sound shallow (I was) but it’s how I felt. I’ve experienced a lot in my life and been fortunate, and somehow I thought that I had to have a man with money to keep experiencing things and to keep being fortunate. I’ve learned (very slowly) that it’s not about the money but the person. Lesson learned!
Clean Cut Professional: No smokers, no hippies, no bikers, no tattoos, no rebels, no “alternative” choices (well, apart from BDSM of course!)… You get the idea. I always thought I needed to be with the workaholic, suit and tie type of guy. But again I’ve learned that this just isn’t true. There are many professional men who are caring and considerate, but the ones I’ve dated/married have always put work before me! Nope, not a good thing!
Pushy: This is a strange one. But I used to only date guys who were very forward and almost pushy (some were very pushy!) about sex. I always used to have sex on the first or second date. That sexual entitlement seemed the normal to me and I doubted anyone that wasn’t pushing me for sex (maybe he’s just not that into me?). But I think it might be the other way around. If a guy wants to wait, wants to get to know you better before having sex, then maybe he is very much into you and he doesn’t want to rush things and make it meaningless.

The list goes on in a similar vein to this. All superficial things that have dictated my dating life up to now. I’m so glad I broke with tradition and tried something (someone!) different. I was always looking for the “perfect” partner, but when I finally decided to stop looking for “perfect”, that’s when I found the man that IS perfect for me! Ironic!

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Name change – Mr Shy becomes Mr Wayne

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For the last few months I’ve been talking about my new Dominant, Mr Shy.  I chose that nickname when I first met him because he seemed so quiet and shy. Well, I confused shyness for quiet confidence and a reserved nature.

So the name Mr Shy really doesn’t suit him. I’ve thought long and hard about a different name and decided on Mr Wayne…. as in Bruce Wayne, Batman’s alter-ego! Bruce Wayne is the quiet and reserved side to Batman, but with a presence that demands attention. Yep, that sounds just like my Sir!

Dominance vs Domineering

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This is the difference between where I was and where I am!

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So if you are vanilla (and not knowledgeable of bdsm) and wondering about the difference between dominance and domineering, it’s rather simple. A domineering man tells you what to do and makes you do it because he wants you to do as he says. He doesn’t lead you, he barks orders at you in order to make himself feel like he’s in charge. He’s not. He’s trying to feel better about himself and needs to assert himself onto you. He may abuse mentally, emotionally and physically. You may even confused it as a dominant man. You may think he’s being macho (sigh), you may think he is trying to lead. He’s not. If you feel badly about yourself, it’s not dominance. It’s abuse.

Dominant men never leave you feeling badly about yourself. Dominant men lead. They take into consideration what is best for you. No, not into consideration, it’s the…

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Things I didn’t know I needed

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Things are going from strength to strength with Mr Shy (really need a new name for him!). As I’ve said before, he is very different to the kind of guys I normally date. I always had this “checklist” of things I needed, some I openly admitted, others were more subconscious. But as things progress with Mr Shy, I realize that there’s been things missing from my previous relationships (maybe why I was so anxious and neurotic in relationships before?).

Complete openness. This might be a “duh” one, but I’ve never been so open with someone or had someone so open with me. He has my FetLife login and I have his, he uses my computer and I don’t care if he sees my emails, I want him to have access to all areas of my life. Nothing is hidden or kept separate. This is NOT like me! I would always keep things separate, not because I was hiding anything, just because there were parts of my life I didn’t want to there, not so with Mr Shy.

Willing to learn. My previous Doms and Tops have always been very arrogant and refused to learn or explore new areas of BDSM. If they didn’t already know about it, they didn’t want to seem inexperienced, so wouldn’t try something new! Ok, I get it, it’s a pride thing, but it meant that eventually things got very boring. The same thing over and over, with no chance to grow or learn. I’m all about the learning and growing!

Someone caring. Doms are strict, have control and do what is best for me and the relationship, even if I don’t agree? Right? Maybe not. I now realize that I need someone gentler, someone that cares for me and takes time to make sure I’m happy and comfortable. Someone that pampers me and makes me feel special. In this caring environment I can really submit and relax and become myself.

Build me up Buttercup. Someone that is positive and encouraging, not critical and disheartening. ‘nough said!

Community. This one is a real surprise to me, but I’m really enjoying being part of a community again. Mr Shy is very dedicated to the local BDSM community. He’s known as someone that can be relied on and is well respected. He wants to go to local events and meet people and learn new things. I like that!

Touch. For some reason I’ve mainly been with guys who don’t need/want a lot of physical contact (except sex of course!). I just accepted this as the difference between guys and girls. But Mr Shy is different; he is very affectionate. When we are together we are pretty much always touching in some way or another. And even more surprisingly I don’t feel it’s overwhelming or suffocating. Bonus – one of his favorite things to do is to give me lllooooonnnngggg full body massages and like a good submissive I take it!!!

Talk nerdy to me. Heee, heee. So this one is a bit silly, but I’m a nerd! I like nerdy things and often pretend otherwise so I don’t appear so nerdy! Being able to let my inner nerd out  and get excited about things is great! No judgement (maybe that’s more what it is – knowing I won’t be judged for how I act or talk).

And a million other tiny things that all add up!

Happy 🙂

Intense and Amazing

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Things with Mr Shy are getting better and better. He continues to surprise and amaze me in small (and big!) ways.

We’ve been seeing a lot of each other. He stays over at my house whenever he can. I adore sleeping next to him and feeling him pull me closer for a hug. Waking up next to him is even better (amazingly not been late to work!).

He is so very open and leaves me in no doubt about where I stand with him. It makes such a nice change to other guys I’ve dated. There is no uncertainty or second guessing what he means. It means I can relax and enjoy our relationship, rather than stressing about what is going on. When I’m with him I feel mentally healthy – a feeling I’m not used to, but I crave!

He is very affectionate and sweet. He says the nicest things to me and makes me feel safe. I know he really likes being with me and wants what we have to last a long time (I know this, because he’s told me! Refreshing!). So all this does make me worry a little bit (I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t worry about something). I worry that I will end up hurting him. He’s been hurt very badly a few times in the past and now I guess I feel a lot of pressure on me to not hurt him like that again. I don’t have any intention of hurting him, but life happens and I have a way of messing things up. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting such a caring, kind and affectionate man.

I also wonder if things are moving too fast. We spend so much time together, which is amazing, and it can feel very intense when we are together. I find my thoughts going to the future quite a bit. But we’ve only really been dating a month and a half. Its so very new, surely we should still be at that uncertainty phase? (as much as I hate that stage). Maybe we need to slow down or take a step back? Would that be healthier? But I don’t want to!

I see my therapist tomorrow, it will be very interesting what she makes of it all!

PS. He took the trash out for me the other day, without being asked! Of course, I’d never ask my Dom to take out the trash, that’s my job. But he could see I was busy and it needed doing. Wow! I’ve never, ever, ever been with a guy who takes the trash out!!!

Anxiety Level Yellow

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I was going to write about something different tonight, but that will have to wait for another day.  I feel a need to write about this instead.

I’ve been so happy the last few days, well, few weeks really. I was able to ignore things that used to upset me, I was accepting things that I couldn’t change (that’s a big deal for the obsessive perfectionist part of me) and I seemed to be able to handle things.

But today? Today I feel like a wreck. Its not one big thing, just lots of small problems and issues that feel like they are mounting up on me. Changes to my job schedule that will mess up my childcare arrangements (and will cost me $300 a month!), a missing library book, a ton of paperwork, issues at work, dealing with ex-husband. Nothing earth shattering, but apparently more than I can handle today.

I can feel my anxiety levels are through the roof and nothing seems to be calming me. Mr Shy has this (very welcome) calming affect on me. I feel so relaxed around him, my problems seem small and managable (which they are). I’m not sure if it’s because I spent so much time with him this weekend, but I feel like I’ve lost that protective cover that he gives me. I’ll be seeing him tomorrow, so it’s not like I have to wait a long time or anything.

I hate feeling overwhelmed like this. Of course I’m not going to rely on someone else to control my anxiety levels or my happiness, but he certainly does help!

Writing this down is helping. Its forcing me to slow down and think calmly. I’ve had many days like this before, I know I can get through it and everything will be OK.

Better and better

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Wow, what a weekend!   I’ve been happier in the last 2 days than I have for a very very long time.

Things have got better and better with Mr Shy (I need to come up with a better name for him!).  When I last posted he was going to meet my kids (introducing him as my “friend”) and it went really well.  The kids loved him and he seemed to really like them too.  After that we went on another couple of great dates, and made out like teenagers in the parking lot, but still hadn’t had sex.

On Saturday it was the monthly local BDSM party, that I went to for the first time last month and where I met Mr Shy (here).  Mr Shy is one of the staff members at the event, so I got there a little early to hang out and help out a little.  We had a lot of fun and I met a few more local kinksters, but most of the evening was spent acting like a teenager with Mr Shy!  We bearly left each others side, kissing and touching any chance we got.  I’m pretty sure we made everyone there sick because we were being so cutesy with each other!  Although everyone seemed genuinely happy for us.  Mr Shy is held in very high esteem by the local community and I think they were pleased to see him so happy (he’s had some bad luck with women over the years).

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(This is the outfit I wore to the party)

My favorite part of the evening was probably when he was Dungeon Monitor (like a safety monitor to make sure everyone is playing by the rules) for an hour or so.  While he sat in his chair  I knelt beside him and rested my head on his knee.  I had to be careful not to distract him, but it was so nice to be with him like that, luckily it was a very quiet night.  I’ve missed being on my knees.

We were planning for him to go home that evening and then come to mine on Sunday until Monday.  Well, we changed plans!  He decided we couldn’t wait any longer to have sex, so he came home with me on Saturday night.

Without going into too much detail we had the most amazing sex!  First time sex always seems to be a little awkward until you get to know what the other person likes, but I liked everything he did.  In the end we had sex 9 times in about 36 hours!!!!  Yes, we were both very sore by the end of the weekend!  We barely left the bed and spent most of the weekend naked.  We had one amazing play scene where he flogged me like I’ve never been flogged before.  He is very skilled and has some very interesting toys!

One unexpected part of the weekend was when we drove to his house on Sunday morning to pick up some of his stuff and his parents were there.  Yes… I got to meet his parents!

Everything about Mr Shy is wonderful!  He is so open and affectionate.  I feel so comfortable with him and can relax and truly be myself.  When I’m with him I don’t feel “broken” anymore, I can feel myself shedding my obsessive thoughts, my anxieties and most of all my depression.  He makes me so happy.  It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt like this.  He lacks confidence in some areas of his life (even though he shouldn’t), so I’m looking forward to helping him see how wonderful he is too.  I think we are both going to be very good for each other.

(And yes, I know some of you might be worried about me jumping into this too soon, but I promise, I’m being careful and not getting in too deep.)